I honestly don’t understand parties. Birthday parties specifically. I’ve been to a fair amount in my lifetime and after a certain point, the parties I’ve attended/had to attend have always been initiated by the person who we’re celebrating.
I don’t get that.
I’ve never had a birthday party. Maybe I’m missing out, but the idea makes me queasy. I’ve had birthday dinners where I’d share a meal with no more than 4 other people where it’s nice and simple, but never a gathering of friends or family where the centre of attention and celebration is me.
If a party was organised on that person’s behalf by a close friend or family member, then I’d understand that. The person is loved and because of that reason, they take on the initiative and responsibility to make that person feel loved and appreciated with this gathering.
Now, I get called vain and arrogant a lot. My narcissism knows very few limits and I can see how my peers, friends and colleagues can find it repugnant. It’s just who and what I am, but the idea of organising a gathering of people to celebrate me just pushes that.
Don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to be applauded and loved and have everyone I love show me that I am worth something to them with their presence, however, I’m not going to make them attend an event that I made myself for myself. That’s just wrong. I can’t do that.
My best guess is that most of it comes from fear. Fear that those who I wish to attend won’t because they’re busy, can’t make it or simply I’m not worth as much to them as I expected. Which is understandable. However, a physical manifestation of that is something I would avoid at all costs.
Secondly, those I love and care for the most, are individuals, spread far across the world in small packets that any organising of their attendance would be fruitless and/or expensive to ridiculous proportions.
I was advised to have a party for Day 365 of vlogging because I’d have finally accomplished a massive achievement. It was a common suggestion from a lot of friends at the time, but I couldn’t do that myself. The idea of organising that myself was just icky. If someone else did that for me on my behalf, then all the blessings in the world.
But mostly it’s the narcissism. I’ve seen and been to birthday parties organised by the birthday boy/girl where limos were hired, cross country travel, food, alcohol and the works all for them to feel loved and appreciated.
There is no way I could set myself up for a disappointment like that ever and the idea of having to do something as grandiose as that for myself is unforgivable to me.